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Journal.Kim —A Metasystem Experiment

It gets easier. Every day it gets a little easier. But you gotta do it every day, that’s the hard part. But it does get easier.
—Bojack Horseman

Twelve: Self-Permission

 | #twelveth-week

Week Twelve! Or rather, thirteen? I apologize for the confusing chronology, that’s a self-embedded punishment of slacking off.

I’ve realized I have difficulty with self-permission. The paradox of choice makes it nearly impossible to really understand what I truly want to do in life, let alone how to act on it.

When I was younger, it felt easy to blog about whatever I wanted, whenever. But the older I get, the more heavy the weight of responsibility feels. In spite of my age, I have no expertise or authority–no formal education. I find it increasingly difficult to attempt an effective discussion. Perhaps that’s a reason why I began this venture–as a way to write often without feeling the pressure of my writing needing to be original or impactful, since I’m just providing mundane updates regarding my personal progress.

To be honest, taking a brief glance at my current list of Beeminders makes me feel overwhelmed. It feels as though there are so many prerequisites, like I already have a tangled and complex mess on my plate. The truth is that I don’t, and in fact I have a lot of free time on my hands that I’m wasting.

The truth is that I am in a very privileged position where I have the opportunity to do nearly whatever I want, which really just adds pressure and guilt.

While I think it’s a toxic idea to compare yourself to others, I can’t help but to compare myself to where I ought to be by now. I’m in my mid-20’s now and don’t feel like I have anything much to show for it. I’ve had dreams and goals since I was a kid, and they’ve become smaller and more humble as I’ve grown older–which is kind of sad.

An important quote from the stoic Seneca comes to mind: “These actions are not essentially difficult; it is we ourselves that are soft and flabby.”

New Systems

  • /writing: I already have three beeminders related to my writing, but they’re regarding finished products. I’m gonna try using Draft to start to help make me more consistent in when I write, as well as having all my writing in one place.
  • /books: I spoke before about being concerned about my lack of book reading, and realized I should beemind it! I just finished the heartbreaking memoir Beautiful Boy by David Sheff, and am currently on Stillness is Key by Ryan Holiday.
  • /distractions: I completely forgot that I still had this goal archived, whoops. It uses RescueTime to ensure that I waste as little amount of time in front of my computer as possible.